My Thoughts

I've been thinking alot about Shin lately. Shin is not a friend of mine. I do not know her yet her story touches my heart and makes me cry. Her story reminds me of my mum and confronts my fear of dying a slow and painful death.

Shin has breast cancer twice and so did my mum. Since the day my mum passed away, I have been living in fear that I would someday suffer like my mum did and eventually die of breast cancer too. I try to shake away that thought from time to time but my attempts are always futile. At the end of the day, I'm still haunted by it. I reckon there's no way I could rid that fear within me. Perhaps the only way is to accept the fact that human beings do get sick and eventually die. That is life.

This morning, as I lay on my bed, I thought of my mum. I remember her bringing me to a family living opposite my block of flat in the morning while she worked as a laundry lady. I remember the outfit she wore when she attended my primary school story telling competition which I took part in. I remember how my mother helped to support the family by bringing odd jobs home to do. I remember the times she brought my sis and I to Toa Payoh where she would buy us new clothes. There are many things I remember about my mum and I'm glad those memories did not fade away as time passes by. On the contrary, images of my mum become more vivid.

Each time I think of my mum, the guilt in me resurfaces. I have probably never told this to anyone except the hubby. I feel guilty cos I was never a good daughter when my mum was sick. As a fourteen year old teenager, I was self centered, selfish and insensitive to my family needs. I cared more for my friends rather than my mum who was dying. I did not share the responsibilty of looking after my sick mum with my sis. My sis was the only one who took good care of my mum while she struggled to study for her 'A' levels. My sis probably hated me for this but I don't think I would ever know. We never talked about our feelings towards my mum's death. Even after so many years, I find it hard to talk about it.

I wonder if my mum did blame me for being a selfish brat. If she did, did she ever forgive me? Was I forgiven? There's no way I can know the answer now. I wish for a day when my mum would appear in my dreams and tell me that I was forgiven and she still loves me.

Back to Shin's story. Hers is a story of courage and hope. Read it and hopefully you will learn to live a life of no regrets. http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com/